Retirement. Noun. The action or fact of leaving one’s job and ceasing to work. The withdrawal of one’s position or occupation or from one’s active working life.
When I was in my prime working years 30’s, 40’s and 50’s, retirement was a dream, a goal. A mirage of spending days sleeping in, traveling the world, reading endless books on the beach and playing golf. Naps, coffee with friends, time with family and riding off into the sunset. Don’t get me wrong, all of that is part of my retirement. However, I wasn’t prepared for the loss of identity, profound shift in my schedule, loss of purpose and change in my social circle that came with retirement. After the first few weeks of “wow, this is so cool”, it became, “wow, now what do I do?”. It’s hard to explain the type of sadness and grief that came from ending 45 years of working overall, and especially the last 23 years of blood sweat and tears working on my passion project . I didn’t retire willingly. I retired due to health complications. One day I was the Executive Director of a multimillion dollar entity, the next I was in the ICU fighting for my life for months. The next thing I knew, I was retired. No goodbyes or retirement parties or even a gold watch. Everything and nearly everyone I knew had been erased.
Many of you that are thinking about retirement are not going to have the added spin of a life threatening illness that brings retirement suddenly into reality (at least I pray you won’t). However, the emotional things that happen after retirement are universal and looking back, I wish someone had prepared me better for retirement other than saving and financial planning. So, what are the top stressors for high achieving women to consider before retirement? Glad you asked!
1.Loss of a paycheck. Even though you have saved, invested wisely and have social security coming in there is nothing quite like the first few months of adjusting to no lump some of money coming into your checking account on the 1st and 3rd Fridays of the month. There is a panicky feeling until you realize that you really weren’t bringing home that $120k you were making. After taxes, gas, dry cleaning, buying office gifts, ordering out, child care, dog walking and grabbing fast food to feed the family dinner because you worked late (again) your take home was really only about HALF of what you were making. Between SS and savings/pension, typically you will be fine. It’s the smoke and mirrors of money. If you need a side gig to support you in retirement, you can do that… be your own boss, work at your favorite boutique, walk dogs, drive an Uber. Make sure you have a retirement professional that you trust and can be honest with to do your financial planning. Money is emotional. It is also an illusion of safety, security and identity.
2.Loss of Identity. This one was huge for me. My whole persona was wrapped into my title, my work, how and who I interacted with and why. I worked 60+ hours a week and, while I loved the work I was doing, I had little time to know who I really was. This is common for many high achieving women, CEO’s and owners. Although it was very confusing and overwhelming at times to figure out who I was without work, it was a wonderful opportunity to dig into who I am. Stripping away my work identity, boss identity, I have 100 staff to pay next week identity, I work all the time identity, the I problem solve 1000 things at a time identity and the exude confidence at all cost identity was exciting and healing. Before retirement there was barely time and energy for my mom, daughter, sister, aunt, friend identity let alone Kelly identity. Learning about me and discovering my values and desires has been a huge gift of retirement. Today, I know who I am and what I want from life. It’s so gooood.
3.Loss of structure and routine. After 40 years of having someplace to go, following a google calendar that had more colors on it than the rainbow for every minute of the day and running behind all.the.time, I had no idea what to do with my time. Did you know that there are 24 hours in the day? That’s 1440 minutes to have complete control over. I will say, I don’t miss the 5:15am alarm. I am a morning person, just not a 5 am morning person. Having so much free time was disorienting. I felt guilty at times not going to work, lazy at times, overjoyed to not wait in long lines at Costco while shopping on a random Tuesday morning and overall unsure of what to do next. Down regulating your nervous system is also a very real thing! Most likely you were at some level of burn out. Your body will want to sleep, a lot. You will feel discombobulated for a period of time while you adjust. This is very normal. Embrace it. You are making up for all those sleepless nights!
4.Social isolation. I was blessed to work with a large group of fantastic humans. Each one kind, compassionate, dedicated and hard working. We built things together, had babies together, lost parents together, cried and laughed together. However, work place relationships fade. It hurt my heart when I realized that. It’s one reality I wish I had planned for before retiring. Building social circles outside of work is so important. The older we are, the more challenging it is to make new friends and find new social circles. The cool part is that as someone who is retired, I get to select the friends I want in my life. It has been fun to meet new people and do things I wouldn’t have normally. It’s important to know this is one of the leading causes for depression among retirees. Always build your social circle.
5.Purpose and Meaning. Ug, this one took me some time to grasp. “What do I do now?” is so common among women and to be honest, I had no idea. Yes I wanted to sleep in, travel, enjoy lazy days reading in my pj’s, spend time with my daughter and family. However, those things didn’t really replace my need for purpose and meaning in my life. I felt a lack of fulfillment after leaving a career that gave me such a sense of contribution. Don’t get me wrong, of course family is important, however, I yearned to make a difference in the world, I wasn’t done creating an impact. I needed something in my life that lights me on fire, feeds my soul. Many times I see women offering ideas like: volunteer, watch your grandkids, join a book club. All of those things are great ways to fill your time in retirement, however, I don’t just want to fill my time in this chapter. I want to live this next chapter with purpose and meaning. After some very beautiful identity work, I found a renewed sense of purpose in coaching other women. I always wanted an impartial sounding board to help me grow, and I know I’m not the only one. So, I’m the person I wanted for me, for others. I grow every time I help another woman grow. Your purpose is out there. It can be writing your memoire, or teaching adults to read. I had to spend time figuring out what lights me up. You can to.
6.Relationship shifts. This one is tricky. Your relationships will change. The most important one is with yourself. I am no longer the version of myself that was an Executive Director. I have taken those great parts of me and the life lessons from that woman I was and brought them forward. I left behind a lot too. Building a relationship with my self has been beautiful. I’m pretty cool! LOL You will also see relationships shift with your spouse, kids, parents, friends, past co-workers, community members, etc. These shifts are normal and it will take work to redefine them. Many women jump right in to watching grand children, taking care of aged parents or figuring out how to co-exist with their spouse. Thinking through those relationships before retiring is so very important. Take the time that you need.
7.Fear of becoming irrelevant. As we age and move into retirement, it’s completely normal to fear becoming irrelevant. You aren’t, I promise. You are the historian for the position you held. You were in integral part of the company’s growth, success and thriving. You don’t need to be the expert in your field for this next chapter. You get to be the expert in you and your retirement. There is nothing more relevant than that.
8.Adjusting to a new lifestyle. I wish someone would have told me about the adjustment period before I retired. It took me a while to adjust. Heck, even the paperwork of retirement is a full time job between COBRA, Medicare, social security and pensions, it’s a full time job! Figuring out how to dress for retirement, if you are a morning or night person, how to add structure to your day, who do you hang out with (your friends or significant other may still be working), when do you shop, can you have a few glasses of wine on a Wednesday night or stay up after midnight and sleep in the next day? Learning to balance hobbies, volunteering, part time work, book club and baby sitting while maintaining financial and emotional well being is a new skill. So many things to figure out and it takes time. I hired a life coach to help me with perspective and it was the best thing I ever did. While she wasn’t retired, she helped with my identity, money stories, grief and loss. She helped me to see the blessings in this new retirement life.
9.Health. This is a huge concern for everyone as we age both physically and mentally. I found out just how invaluable your health is when I took ill 2 years ago. I’m blessed to be on the mend and prioritize my sleep, nutrition, exercise and stress levels now. I remember shortly after my parents retired that my mom had a stroke. It sidelined their retirement plans for the rest of their lives. They had worked so hard for so long to enjoy their golden years and were not able to they way they had planned. I encourage women to set health and self care as a priority now. Like, right now. Not when you retire. It will not make any difference if you have millions of dollars in the bank, if you don’t have your health.
10.You have complete creative control. We have worked for so long creating for others. Now is the time to create for yourself. Create your next best chapter. Leave nothing on the table. Go for it. Have no regrets. We work so hard to make sure our investments last until 90 years old. There are no guarantees we will be here tomorrow. Live boldly. Live a full life. Enjoy creating this next chapter and do all the things.
I’m so grateful for my retirement, even though it unfolded much differently than I planned. I’m so happy and blessed to have this time to truly live life. I’ve learned that life doesn’t happen to you, it happens for you. My wish for every woman I meet is to guide her to living her truest, most authentic next and best retirement chapter.
To life!
K
If you are in one of the 3 phases of retiring (thinking about it, have set a date or are already retired) and can see yourself in any of these top 10 stressors, feel free to reach out and schedule a call with me to find out your retirement readiness score.
www.kellyweaverconsulting.com