Who do I think I am?

When I was about 16, there was this one time that my mom got really mad at me. And yes it was one time. I was a good kid and had a strong relationship with her. I can’t even remember what it was that I did. However, I can clearly remember her looking directly in my eyes, voice firm and raised tho not yelling. She used a tone I had never heard from her before, as she said to me “Who do you think you are, young lady? Don’t you ever talk to me that way again”. I was stunned. Hurt. Confused. Embarrassed. Guilty. I wished I could take back whatever it was I said or did immediately. I remember the blood draining out of my face, body going cold and an instantaneous urge to run. The next 2 days we didn’t speak. The pain of her distance those 48 hours was unbearable. I had let her down and disappointed her. By 16, my co-dependency and people pleasing was deeply rooted, so the shame I felt only reinforced my need to be a good girl and shape-shift myself to win back my mother’s approval. I apologized, cried (sobbed) and hugged her so tight I felt like a toddler clinging to her mothers’ leg as she headed out the door for a dinner date. We never spoke of the incident again. And just like that, things were back to normal.

Fast forward to today. Since my illness, I have had the time to go on an inner quest, review my life and look for clues to explain how I got here and what I want/need to change going forward. It’s so interesting how things buried deep in my past, that I haven’t thought about in 45 years, can come flooding back and feel just as intense as the day they happened just with someone asking a question. This all started a few days ago when I took an online master class with an empowerment coach and the topic was Identity Shifting. In that training she asked us to explore the question, “Who do I think I am?”. Hence, triggering my 16 year old self and the argument with my mom. It has proven to be a really good question tho.

Taking to my journal, here is what I came up with.
I’m a woman, daughter, sister, aunt, friend and neighbor. I’m Gillian’s mom. A special needs mom. I was once a wife and now a widow. I’m a survivor. I’m a business woman. Retired (-ish). A home owner. I’m a cook. After listing these obvious things, I got a bit stuck. So I asked the question again “Who do I think I am?” Going a bit deeper, I added I think I’m creative, hard working, reliable, kind, caring and giving. I think I’m smart, quick witted and a creator. I got stuck again. Then, out of the blue, I understood the assignment and the tears began to roll. This wasn’t my resume. This was intended to explore the thoughts and beliefs I have about myself. My identity. I took a few deep breaths and wrote the question a third time “Who do I THINK I am?”. This is where the magic happened. Vulnerability, authenticity and truth happened. Here it is… I think I’m broken. Unworthy of good things. Too old to ever find love again. A failure. Unattractive. Extremely limited due to my new health issues. Ug! I share these awarenesses not so you will jump in the comments and disprove each of them. Rather I share them as I know my experiences can help others. Now, it is quite possible that the thoughts are all lies, however, it is currently who I THINK I am. Confused? I promise there’s a beautiful lesson coming in the next paragraph, so hang in there with me.

I was not surprised to write them down because I’ve thought them for a long time. What did surprise me was actually identifying and admitting those things to myself and making them real. This nugget of information has proven to be a catalyst for growth and change. Understanding my thoughts about me gives me a starting place to do some work. You see, thoughts are just thoughts. I learned long ago that you are what you think and thoughts become reality. It’s that whole law of attraction thing. So by me thinking I’m broken and telling my self I’m broken, I believe I’m broken and therefore I’m broken. I don’t like how being broken makes me feel. For the record, I feel lost, overwhelmed and hopeless when I think I’m broken. That is in no way how I want to feel. I want to feel strong, empowered and capable. To get those feelings, I need to rewire my thoughts. Instead of I’m broken, I choose to think I’m brave and healing. The energy shift, the vibrational shift is sizemic! Can you feel it? My body lights up when I think that about myself. Remember, your body is listening. Do you think she’d rather hear I’m broken OR I’m brave and healing? Exactly.

I promised you a lesson in the last paragraph, oops! Here it comes now. Until we identify who we THINK we are, we can not make the changes to be who we want to be. Let that sink in. Knowing now that when I feel lost, overwhelmed and hopeless on a random Tuesday afternoon it’s because I THINK I’m broken, is a game changer. Or rather a thought changer. By thinking I’m brave and healing, I feel strong, empowered and capable. Feeling those feelings is certainly going to give me energy, and bring more good things to me- like a magnet. The lesson… explore your thoughts with curiosity, compassion and love. Change the ones that don’t make you feel good. Sounds simple, right? It’s not as simple as just writing the new thoughts on a piece of paper. It’s a process. The Coach this week explained it as embodiment. Integrating the new thoughts into your being by listening and catching yourself each time the old thoughts come up. Replace the old thoughts with the new ones and react/respond from the shifts that will happen to you. I have decided I will no longer think of myself as broken, rather as brave and healing. I’ll make choices as a brave and healing being, not a broken one. Can you imagine the difference in choices I’ll make? Take something simple like lunch. What do you think broken Kelly will order vs what brave and healing Kelly will order? Cool shift, right?

So, are you ready to do some digging? Grab your pen and journal… Who do you THINK you are?

All my best,

K